| Have you ever felt like nothing in your life is stable...? Like you are constantly walking on sand....and with every new couple of seconds comes the waves....and the your foundation begins to sink...I have felt that way this week...and not really because of everything that has happened at the school but mostly because Andrew still doesn't know if he is going to stay in Alabama or not. The other say I was at work and some 16yr old bagger boy came up to me and asked me if I had a boyfriend. (haha) I jokingly told him "Yes..but he might be moving away in 2 weeks"...(I was so joking with him though) and he was asking questions like where would Andrew move to and stuff like that. Then he said someone that just crushed me..he said, "So he doesn't care enough about you to stay? You aren't worth staying for?" That is the question that I have been struggling with for 2 years now. I really believe and trust that Andrew will make the right decision...that somehow and some way God will make it clear to him exactly where he should be....but everytime I begin to rest in that...I am bombarded with the question of, "Am I not worth staying here for?" So many times I see that I have been looking to Andrew to find my self-worth. I listen for him to tell me how pretty I am, to do things that make me feel special, to suprise me in some special way, to say kind things, to notice when I have lost weight...just anything like that. I look to him to mold who I am...and who I have become. Every decision I need to make in the next few months I have thought about Andrew. Where I should work, should I buy a house, rent an apt., stay in Al or move to La in aug., how much money I should save...everything. I feel like in every decision I consider him..and now its down to the wire and I still don't know where he is going to be in 14 days from now. I am completely torn, a whirlwind of emotions, and I feel like I am freefalling. I am angry that he won't stay for me, I feel guilty that I want him to stay, I want him to go so he can make money, I want him to stay so we can see each other, I want him to go because I know he is happiest there....I really feel like my head is going to explode. I cry everyday. I am usually a happy person........very happy. But not lately. I hate the unstable person I have become these past few weeks. I just need some stability. This has been my thought process......but I constantly have to wake up each new day and tell myself that the Lord is my stability, not Andrew. He is where I find my comfort, my self worth, my courage, my strength. That is my prayer everyday....EVERYDAY. Andrew might end up going to La...he might end up leaving me...but the Lord never will. And some people might want to argue that considering that we have a buncha theologians out there..but let me tell you..I know what He did for me on the cross......He knew what kinda state I would be in 2 weeks before my college graduation....He knew the times I would fail him...and depend on Andrew instead of Him..but He did it anyway. And for that I am forever thankful. I know that Andrew and I will pull through all of this...but I am learning a much greater lesson. :) |
